I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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