After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Congratulations! We have a period
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