Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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