i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
