thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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