it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
