just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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