Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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