Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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