It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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