My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
