is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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