Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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