the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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