grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
