so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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