My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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