ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
