Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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