Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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