I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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