i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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