you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
