I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
