you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
