don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
