he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
