If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
