Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
