i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
