The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
