Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Is it because I queefed?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
