i love accidental penises.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
