i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
