are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
