You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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