...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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