He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
