Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
