you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
well, you know. whores of a feather.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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