In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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