Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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