went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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