i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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