I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
should my penis look like a turkey
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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