Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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