saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
