operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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