Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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