When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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