Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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