Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I enjoy the company of your penis
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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