So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
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