it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
