i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
