Ambien. No doubt about it.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Your dad touched me again.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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