apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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