Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
