WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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