I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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